Panic Strikes

On Memorial day I experienced a panic that dropped my heart to my toes. I was getting in the shower and noticed a discoloration that looked like a spider bite on my right breast. I felt the bump and realized it was a lump inside. My heart dropped and fear gripped hold. My mind raced a million miles a minute and my heart rate raced.

A few months ago I had notice a similar discoloration in the same spot and had thought the same thing: "spider bite! eek!" But there had been no lump, so this lump had to have developed in a relatively short time.

I called my PCP on Tuesday and made an appointment for Wednesday afternoon. I tried to keep the fear at bay, explaining to myself that it was probably nothing. Various websites (like Web MD) had explained that 80% of breast lumps turn out to be benign in nature. I clung to that, hoping that I would fall into that 80%; terrified that I wouldn't.

Wednesday afternoon my doctor performed a breast exam, noting the lump I'd found on my right breast. As he moved to the left side, he continued to probe one area under my breast. It was tender and I could tell he'd found something by the look on his face. He explained that he had, in fact, found a mass on the left side. He used the word "mass" and the fear I'd been trying to keep at bay, flew back into my heart. The word "mass" somehow seems worse, more terrifying than the word "lump."

He had me schedule a mammogram with the option for the specialist to do an ultrasound. Based on the results, they would determine if a biopsy would be needed, and that would be completed the same day. I liked the sound of getting it all taken care of in one day rather than spreading the fear and unknown into multiple days.

I made the appointment for June 13; I'd have to wait over two weeks to find out. I made the decision to let it go. I couldn't dwell on it or I'd make myself sick. So I decided to get all "zen-like" and put out positive thoughts. For the most part, I was successful. Thoughts of the upcoming procedure hung out in the dark place at the back of my mind.

Wednesday, June 13, 2:00 a.m., as I slept, I turned over in my bed and had full-fledge vertigo. I haven't experienced full vertigo in months. I usually catch it early, take my medication and keep it at bay for about three days before it subsides completely. Wednesday morning, I wasn't so lucky. For an hour I couldn't get my eyes to focus and I was sick, sick, sick!

At 3:00 a.m. I woke Eric up because I hadn't been able to stop throwing up for more than ten minutes and I was sore, sick and getting scared that I'd have to go to the ER and miss the mammogram/ultrasound and not have an answer that day. (As a side note: my vertigo comes with my allergies. I've recently begun allergy shots, so my allergies have been worse than most years.)

Eric calmed me down and helped me find a comfortable place where I could keep my head still. He gathered all the pillows in the house and helped prop me up so I could sleep sitting up, without moving my head. I slept lightly for a few more hours. When I woke up, the medicine had finally kicked in. My head was swimming, but I wasn't dizzy.

I made my way up to Huntsman radiology for my appointment, nerves in tow. I was still recovering from my bumpy night and hoping I wouldn't get sick again. I could feel tears just waiting for whatever the results would be.

The mammogram wasn't as bad as I'd expected. I won't say it didn't hurt, but it wasn't what I expected. They took a total of eight images. Four images for the baseline mammogram and two close ups of each of the lumps. The girl who did the mammogram was so kind and gentle. She could tell I wasn't feeling well and that a lot of it probably came from nerves. She was fabulous at explaining everything as we went. Once I was done, she told me to wait for the doctor to review the mammogram and decide if the ultrasound was necessary.

A few minutes later, it was determined that an ultrasound would be needed on my left side, but not the right. I was surprised to find out a doctor, rather than a tech, would perform the ultrasound so they could give me the results right then and there.

I was taken to a new room and I waited for a couple of minutes for a doctor,who was close to my age. He asked me if I'd had any trauma to my breasts. I thought it odd and told him I had not. He then mentioned that sometimes trauma can come from a seat belt in a car accident. Nine years ago (June 18, 2003), I was involved in a bad car accident that left me black and blue (mostly black) all over. The doctor told me the right lump (and possibly the left) was due to an oil cyst that can develop when fat cells burst as a result of trauma. It can take 10 to 15 years for the cyst to form! (what!? stupid car accident brings more stress all these years later!!!)

I asked him a ton of questions while he was doing the ultrasound. He pointed out on the monitor, the lump on the left side and confirmed it was also an oil cyst that was deeper in the tissue than the right side.

I was so relieved by the results. The tears that had been waiting, never came....I was in shock and so incredibly relieved. By the time I left Huntsman Hospital, the sun was well in the sky and the panic, fear and vertigo were a memory.

I guess I'll take my self exams more seriously from here on out.