Where in the World Have I Been?

I am terribly behind in blogging because I have a difficult time sitting long enough to type up any entry. I have been very busy traveling and playing with Richard's kids and Chance and enjoying what I can.

But I have been in a lot of pain.

Back in March, Eric and I traveled to Virginia and on the long flight I felt a twinge in my back and left hip. My left leg hurt off-and-on for a while but was generally pretty mild. Over the months, the pain increased but I didn't think too much about it. I took Ibuprofen for a while and then began taking Aleve, which helped.

By the time we went to California in August the pain was much more notable in my left hip and leg. So much so, that Sandy helped me do some stretches on her Pilate's machine each morning. They helped relieve some of the pressure.

In late August, I mentioned the back pain to my primary care doctor and he referred me to physical therapy for hip bursitis. He was convinced it was my hip, but I was convinced it was my back. I went to physical therapy a few times but mentioned the pain to my friends and they referred me to their chiropractor.

The chiropractor began to help me for the hip bursitis but quickly agreed with me, that this was a back issue we were dealing with me and referred me to have an MRI.

I went for an MRI on Sept 28 thinking it would be no big deal. It turns out I'm a little bit whole lot claustrophobic.
When they put me in the machine, I tried to remain calm as I waited for the music to turn on, but the music never came. I tried to talk to myself into a calm place, but I could hear my heart rate and my breathing begin to pick up the pace....and then my stomach joined in the panic party.
To make matters worse, the night before the MRI, we'd been to a party and as we'd left, we'd seen a man on a bicycle be hit by a car so with my eyes closed in the machine, his face was all I could see. With my eyes forced open, all I could see was the edge of the MRI machine. This white coffin MRI machine was too close for comfort and The Crazy entered into the thoughts, "what if there's an earthquake?" "what if my vertigo starts?" "OMG, did the earth just shake a little?" ... the pit in my stomach grew two sizes.
Sane Tina tried to intervene and remind The Crazy that this tube has two openings at both ends and that I wasn't truly trapped ..... but I was shaking and breathing heavily and could feel that I was going to lose it any minute ... Once The Crazy got in the Rational side didn't stand a chance....I pushed the panic button before the scan ever even began.
I chuckled with my friends about it later that at least I never got to the place of "what if the zombie apocalypse starts while I'm in here!?" LOL!

I returned for on Oct 3, for the MRI. This time I was given a Valium. I was told it might knock me out. It didn't. But it did keep the panic at bay, for the most part.  I decided to prepare myself by giving myself several images to keep in my head's "happy place." Specifically, Lake Powell:

And, places I'd like to photograph:

I also decided to replay a dream I once had. It was one of my favorite dreams of me walking along the beach. I found beautiful sandcastles that wanted to be washed away by the water. As I complied, they left me beautiful gems: perfect emeralds, rubies, amethysts, etc.





The final thing I decided I would do if began to panic, was to count from1 to 50 and back to 1 again. That would be the ticket. :)

I arrived for the Valium an hour before the MRI and felt myself relax a bit but didn't feel too much and definitely did not konk out. The two techs were so nice helping me get into the machine and explaining the process and we went. They forgot to turn on the music again, but this time they asked me about it and I was able to tell them so the panic didn't even start up. The music was nice.

I didn't realize how loud the machine would be, however, so the music was drowned out by the BOOM, BOOM, BOOM...however, I didn't mind the rhythm of that BOOM, BOOM, BOOM. It reminded me a lot of the trance house music that I listen to when I'm running and I was able to let time pass pretty quickly. Lake Powell images helped a lot. Waterfall images were nice.

Twenty minutes passed by without much of a flinch. Then they moved me deeper into the MRI machine and my heart jumped and my stomached lurched. They were moving onto my lower back and I really had to rely on all the little tricks I'd prepared myself with. The machine got really warm....and told myself, "I'm on a beach laying out...yeah, that's the ticket. At Lake Powell and it's really hot...can't get away from it cuz, it's Lake Powell in June! Yeah! That's right!."

It wasn't much help. Heartbeat started rising.

Okay.
Um.
Waterfalls....pretty waterfalls. 
Nope?
okay.

Um.

Beach.
Waves.
Sandcastles.

Not that either?

Okay.

1...2...3..4........
41..42..43..44..43..42...
wait...which direction was I going?

I got stuck in the 40s every time.

Once in a while I'd have a little devil in my ear saying, "just open your eyes...just see how close you really are to the wall...just do it.....do it, do it...just once."   I never did.

Finally!
Finally! 45 minutes later, they told me they were done and I was being let out (as if I was in prison, or something, geez)...That's when I opened my eyes, on the way out. And I'm so glad I waited, because there wasn't more than a few inches between my nose at the machine.

The results came back a couple of days later. I have two bulging discs in my low back (L4-L5 and L5-S1). It's not uncommon for someone in my age bracket. I've been told that about 80% of 39 year olds will have this; it's part of aging, like wrinkles and gray hair, but only about 20% of the 80% will experience the pain of what I have, and most will heal completely (so there's a lot of hope for me).

Here's my actual image:

You can see the bulge putting pressure on the nerve. This is the nerve that goes to the legs and feet. It's on the left side of the nerve, so only the left leg is affected by this condition. (thank goodness)

I have since been undergoing treatment, but I will talk about that in another entry, when the pain has completely subsided.